20 Cool Kenny Powers Quotes: The World’s Funniest Imaginary Baseball Player

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kenny powers quotes

You can say what you like about Kenny Powers, but some of the things he says make ingenious quotes. Danny Mcbride truly brings this egotistical, short-tempered character to life in the HBO series Eastbound & Down.

Once a successful pitcher, Powers is forced to become a temporary physical education teacher, which is far from being his dream job. Ultimately, Kenny’s only goal is to make it back to the big leagues.

Whether you’re a true die-hard fan of the show or you’ve just started watching the HBO comedy series, these Kenny Powers quotes will undoubtedly make you fall in love with this wacky character!

20 of the Most Memorable Kenny Powers Quotes

Kenny Powers Quotes for Die-Hard Fans

#1. “I’m sober and ready to destroy the competitions.”

#2. “Stay in school. Fight the power. Don’t do drugs. Unless, of course, you’re doing them with me.”

#3. “Ask anybody out there, and they’ll tell you that the foundation of a great baseball player starts with an understanding of some basic fundamentals: running, stretching, physical conditioning. These are the things that prepare your body for the many challenges a baseball player faces.”

#4. “I’m sick and tired of carrying all the weight… the coaches and owners not giving me the sh*t I need to win. Atlanta, you’re fu*king out. Kenny Powers is now a free agent. Let’s find a bar and get sh*t-faced.”

#5. “Once upon a time, I believed in destiny, but now I say, F that B. Everything I have in this life, I earned myself. There’s no cosmic luck deciding shit for us. My wealth, my fame, my World Series pennant — I earned myself. The one thing I didn’t earn myself was when I caught crabs. I think I got those from sleeping at a Red Roof Inn.”

#6. “There’s no better feeling than winning. Dealing your opponent the deathblow, then standing over his lifeless body as the world around you leaps to their feet, falling all over each other to get a taste of your hero’s jism. The immature man revels in such adulations. The mature man, however, celebrates not, because he knows that every victory is just a precursor to another f****d-up test.”

#7. “Kenny Powers is a man. Kenny Powers is an athlete. Kenny Powers is a lover. But the most he is, I mean, the thing that Kenny Powers is the most, is a goddamn champion.”

Witty Kenny Powers Quotes and Nuggets of Wisdom

#8. “How does any genius figure out his inventions? I mean, how did Leonardo DiCaprio figure out about gravity? ‘Cause the bitch was sleepin’ underneath a tree and an apple hit him on his head.”

#9. “Toby, what do you want from me? I’ve been super cool to you. I’ve given you a bowl of Chex Mix and some water. Why are you making curses upon me? If I give you a toy, will that erase the curse?”

#10. “There have been many comebacks throughout history: Jesus was dead, but then came back as an all-powerful God zombie; Ryan O’Neal had his ups and downs, but is now back and better than ever. Well, my comeback is almost complete, and I can say that, when it is complete, it will shake the pillars of this land or town. My story is the story of a raging Christ figure who tore himself off the cross and looked at the Romans, with blood in his eyes, and said, ‘My turn now, c*cksuckers.’”

#11. “In most of nature, the alpha is the strongest of the pack. Creature of immense strength, large in size, a leader from birth, hippos, bumblebees, Wayans brothers — most of the time, they just look to the biggest amongst them.”

#12. “Why give 100% when 35% will get you paid and laid.”

#13. “You know what? I can already tell that I don’t like you. And I’m probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do. All right, anybody who wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him, ‘cause I’m not watching.”

#14. “If there’s one thing I hate, it’s losing. If there are two things I hate, then it’s losing and getting cancer.”

Random Kenny Powers Quotes You’ll Love

#15.“Once again, I’m with the hottest chick in town, buyin’ the most expensive fashions, dinin’ in the fanciest food places, riding around on goddamn jet skis. Rainin’ trim. Hallucinogens. Jet skis again. Throwin’ heat. And getting laid.”

#16. “If you’ve got something you want to say, then just say it. You can save us a lot of time with this fuckin’ pointless history lesson in this goddamn creepy, unimpressive, fuckin’ hall. I don’t like it in here. It’s gross.”

#17. “The good thing about getting over depression is…well…you can start to see your enemies more clearly. Suddenly, everyone isn’t an obstacle, just some people are…And it might be someone that you find is in your bloodline, distant and as brown as their skin can be, they still are part of you.”

#18. “A quest is nothin’ if you got no one to brag about it to, will never reach the end if you’re only doing it for yourself. Me, I’m doing it for a girl I had to leave behind just to get this far. Now I gotta go a little further to get back to her. All I can do is hope that one day she’ll understand, and when that day comes, it’s not too late.”

#19. “Oddly enough, the people here aren’t that different from the ones back home, when you get past the lack of interest in real sports and the need to have yellow rice at every fuckin’ meal.”

#20. “See, in life, when you have talent, all the other s**t doesn’t matter. If we were on an island with no weights and no running drills, who would be on top then? The guy with the talent.”

Conclusion

It goes without saying ― Kenny Powers is one cool dude. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be his friend?

While he’s not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, there’s no denying that he’s a guy with strong convictions, an unmatched personality, and plenty of things to say.

We hope you enjoyed our selection of Kenny Powers quotes or that they made you want to binge-watch the entire series. Ultimately, Kenny Powers is one of the funniest imaginary baseball players you’ll ever see!


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