No matter how old I get, Halloween will always be one of my favorite holidays. There is something about the excitement, suspense, and make-belief of it all that never fails to make my heart race.
Nothing gets me going like the smell of freshly carved pumpkin in the fall air and a set of vampire fangs and some fake blood! To get you all just as hot and thrilled about this year’s All Saints’ Eve, here are some fabulously dirty Halloween jokes.
Warning! Not Safe for Work: 24 Dirty Halloween Jokes
Dirty Halloween Jokes About Skeletons That Will Make You Laugh so Hard Your Bones Will Crack
#1. “Q: What’s the most popular dating app for skeletons in 2020?
A: The Bone Zone.”
#2. “Q: How do two skeletons have sex?
A: By boning all night long.”
#3. “Q: Why do skeletons enjoy sex with dainty women?
A: They like to bone a petite.”
#4. “Q: How do skeletons make babies?
A: They bone.”
Dirty Halloween Jokes About Witches That Will Make You Laugh so Hard Your Pointed Hat Will Fall off Your Head
#5. “Q: Why don’t witches have babies?
A: Their husbands have crystal balls.”
#6. “Q: Why do the witches hate hanging out with the headless horseman?
A: He’s obsessed with getting head.”
#7. “Q: Why do witches wear no panties?
A: For better grip on the broom.”
Bloody and Dirty Halloween Jokes About Vampires
#8. “Q: What did the vampire say to the teacher?
A: See you next period.”
#9. “Q: Why don’t you ever have an unexpected pregnancy when dating a vampire?
A: Because they can’t come inside without asking for permission.”
#10. “1900: Dracula survived by drinking the blood of virgins.
2019: Dracula dies of hunger.”
#11. “Q: What’s unique about sex with vampires?
A: They only come at night.”
#12. “Q: What do vampires use to make tea?
#13. “Q: What is a vampire’s favorite part of sex?
#14. “Q: What do Dracula’s girlfriend and a professional boxer have in common?
A: They both go down for The Count.”
#15. “Q: What is Dracula’s porn star name?
A: Vlad The Impaler.”
#16. “Q: How did the woman learn her boyfriend was a vampire?
A: He only came at night and would insist on giving oral the same time every month.”
#17. “Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.”
#18. “Q: What happens when two vampires meet?
A: It’s love at first bite!”
Boo-ha-ha! Dirty Halloween Jokes About Ghosts
#19. “Q: Why can’t the ghost have any children?
A: He has a Halloweenie.”
#20. “Q: Why are male ghosts attracted to female ghosts?
A: Because of their boo-bies.”
#21. “Q: Why do Halloween ghosts moan, tremble, and shiver?
A: Because of what’s happening under that sheet.”
A Flirty-Dirty Halloween Joke About Monsters
#22. “Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly, one said to the other, ‘A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?’ The other monster replied, ‘Be a gentleman, and roll them back to her.’”
Two Bonus Long-Form Dirty Halloween Jokes
#23. “There was an old couple who hadn’t celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room, her husband yelled, ‘You can’t go out like that!’ ‘I can go out as whatever I want, and so can you!’ The man agreed and went into his room. Soon, he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string. The woman said, ‘You’re going out as that?’ ‘Yes,’ said the old man. ‘If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator.’”
#24. “A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her. So she asks him why he is staring, and he answers, ‘I have a question I need to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.’
The nun replies, ‘My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’
The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, ‘Well it’s like this; I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.’
The nun replies, ‘Okay, well, let’s see what we can do about that, shall we? There are two conditions though — firstly, you have to be single, and, secondly, you must be Catholic.’
The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, yes! I am single, and I’m Catholic too!’ The nun then says, ‘Okay, then, pull into the next alley.’
The cab driver does so, and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.
The nun sees this and asks him, ‘My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?’
The cab driver says, ‘You must forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you — I must confess that I’m married, and I’m also Jewish.’
The nun laughs and says, ‘That’s okay, my name is Kevin, and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.’”
I hope that my racy, tongue-in-cheek, dirty Halloween jokes did not scandalize you. After all, isn’t Halloween all about letting go of our propriety and inhibitions and turning into little wild monsters just for one night? I see no harm in that — except for those poor, hollowed-out pumpkins. So next time you go treat-or-tricking, make sure to have fun and spice it up a notch!